dad

Well it's been... kind of a difficult couple of months. My dad died July 5. And my sister just found out that she has to put her cat down.
It's weird and I'm still processing it and I feel different and I know life is different forever now. It was my birthday the other day and I went to my mom's house and my dad's absence was a huge presence. It was like the elephant in the room. Things were kinda upbeat, and every now and then we'd mention him, something he used to say. But we didn't dwell, but sometimes I just wish we would dwell. I spent the summer with my sisters and we dwelled on it together, we cried and told stories and listened to his favorite music and cooked together and drank wine, lots of wine. Then I had to leave and it's weird and isolating being around friends and people who aren't going through this. I want people to talk to about it. It's a unique, acute, different kind of pain. It's something I've never experienced before. I have known people who have died before and that hurt. But when your father dies....it's completely its own thing. It makes you think, OK so... who in this family is next then? I only have one more parent now. My mom and that's it, no one else. She was telling my sisters and I when we were with her in July where the deed to the cemetery is for when we need it when she dies. And it's like...OK I guess that's a handy thing to know, but thinking about that gives me heart palpatations and a headache and a heartache. Things are different now forever. My dear ol man is gone. I even wrote him a letter the day before he passed away. Tears pouring out of me and dotting the paper as I wrote, I wanted to tell him all the things I never said out loud to him, things like how much I love him, how he used to say the exact perfect thing to me to make me feel better about myself, like how much he influenced my appreciation for music and noticing the subtle beauty of life, and how we would laugh and laugh together, we had the same sense of humor and we would encourage each other into fits of hysterical laughter. Then the next morning I went to the mailbox (I was in Cali at the time) and dropped it in the mail. Then an hour later my mom called us to tell us he was gone. My mom wanted my sister and I to be together to talk to us so I knew a phone call was coming but it was like that song, "Don't Speak" by No Doubt where she's like I know what you're saying so please stop explaining, don't tell me 'cause it hurts, I did not want to talk on the phone and I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to walk angrily down the street crying because I didn't want to face facts.
But then I flew to CT for the funeral and my younger sis and I met up with my two other sisters and mom, and then my letter arrived a couple days later and I stuck it in my dad's suit jacket he wore at the wake and now my letter is buried next to my dad's heart.
And now he's gone but in some ways, and maybe it's a coping mechanism but in some ways I know he's not gone, I know that love goes on and one thing I learned from all this is that you are not your body. And love is eternal and I know, deep inside that he shows up every day in my life and he will always be a part of me, I will always carry him with me, forever.

here's the latest

Been a while, huh?

Here's the latest!

I painted this elephant one night while hanging out with my boyfriend in the living room, watching netflix.  No plan whatsoever. Then I posted it on facebook, a friend wanted to buy it, then she got it framed and BOOM! A legit piece of art. How do ya like that?!

I did this painting of Courtney Love about 2 weeks ago.  I didn't intend for it to be a particularly unflattering portrait.  I actually had a super lot of fun painting this. I didn't really care how it came out and I ended up splattering paint all over it after I thought I was finished. I felt really liberated. (Admittedly I was listening to Nirvana on my headphones while painting this and I think they had a lot to do with how it came out. It was a symbiotic relationship.)

Babyyyy

My latest commission was also my first commission for someone I don't even know, who lives 3,000 miles away in Seattle! This is her nephew. I mailed it out last week, so she should be getting it tomorrow. I sincerely hope she loves it.
Watercolor on paper, 11x14. I probably should take better photos of my art, with better lighting and proper cropping and whatnot. You know, to look professional and stuff.

Watercolor baby

Here's the latest! Warm-up for a commission

Here we go

More watercolors; more commissions

This is a practice piece (I think) for a commission I'm working on. Pretty much the only reason I consider it a practice piece is because it doesn't really look THAT much like her; but then again, the photo she gave me to work from is pretty washed out and feature-less.  To be honest I'd say this looks more like Hilary Swank, hahaha.

I recently finished this painting for my friend Sahar who lives in Seattle. She just messaged me on Facebook to say that she's been showing it to a bunch of people she knows out there, and now a few of them are interested in commissioning me to paint for them!! aaahhhh I'm so excited that people across the country who I don't even know want to commission me. This only fuels my desire to quit my day job and nurture this so that it grows into something truly substantial. IT'S POSSIBLE!!!!!!

And last but not least, I did this on New Year's Day just for fun. I copied an Egon Schiele painting and basically let loose with the watercolors.

Yeah watercolors are so my thing now.